28 October 2010

The Delirious Dilemma of De Jong

By Dr3

The following is me writing as someone named “W. Bridge”; an alluring alias for some reason.

Say the safeword Xabi



**Sorry about the title, it was my attempt at wit, this being my first time writing. **

Dear Editor,

Paul Scholes’ inability to tackle, Beckham’s pretty hair, this season being Arsenal’s to realize their true potential and Sir Alex Ferguson creating Greenwich Mean Time are all EPL facts. That Nigel De Jong is any dirtier of a player than say… Roy Keane was, is to be a bit naïve, and quite frankly amnesic.

Too much coincidence really says that it’s not a facking coincidence. A league who’s mantra ranges from “hav a lash”, “hav a crack”, “get in there”, “get stuck in” and “electrifying pace and tuff tackling”, has the most broken legged athletes per season. As such, crying over a “tuff tackling” player, getting “in there”, trying to stop the “electrifying pace”, of an opposing attacker about to “hav a lash”, is like going to Africa and complaining about the number of black people. The EPL advertises itself as the league where football is a man’s game; not made for the foreigners that playact and flail their arms and legs as if drowning for a living-to-death. It prides itself on the leniency of the refereeing, allowing games to flow the way it should. Like an alliteration cutting through every sentence, even in the Champions League, commentators harp on whether every called foul would in fact be called in the EPL (was that a foul John?). Yet, with every grave injury born out of the cavalier yet lauded approach to the game, a pantomime villain is born; He is Satan.

Make no mistake, as a person currently still reeling from among other things, the effects of an ‘asshole-tackle’; I am in every way possible a detractor to the man’s-game-approach to football. The hypocrisy though, is a bit hard to digest and so I have to defend that Dutch chap. I’m not going to catalog and list details, but I do recall very vividly tackles from Roy Keane, Patrick Viera, and even Steven Gerard, landing opponents all-inclusive stays at emergency wards from Merseyside, to London. This is not to say that they somehow legitimize De Jong as a player or even as a human being (apparently), but certainly he isn’t the first, or the last, to don an EPL ‘licensed to impale’ dog tag and scarf. But with the World Cup, still back flipping freshly in people’s memories, his walk of fame footprint on Xabi’s chest means that it’s not because of the EPL sanction, but more so because he’s some kind of sadist; he doesn’t even apologize after leaving people’s lives in shambles (the horror).

It’s ironic that you program a player to destroy for you, in an environment where destroyers are seen as ‘men’. Extol him when he does it, such that in a star-studded outfit his is one of the few guaranteed spots, but then scold him when he destroys ‘too much’; according to some guy, his wife, his fans and his team. The player doesn’t make a personal apology for doing his job, as his intentions were not malicious and/or personal and so the guy and his wife, are joined by a public eager to cast a villain. Maybe he should wish him well, but maybe he won’t, after all he’s not from a nunnery, so he’s not called to be anything. (SN: Nobody ever facking apologized to me for 'injuring' me by the way, nor do I want disgusting after-the-fact sagacious remorse). A player who was just months ago a hero, and part of a dynamic duo, is now without title, and should be overflowing with shame. He is now a de facto destroyer, dropped from his national team, and is the Osama of the purists. A bit disheveled and disillusioned, the destroyer is dead to the world.

As usual, without Jose Mourinho to talk about, without Rooney being in God-sent form, or without the Champion’s League being dominated by the EPL ‘debate’, we seek something else for our melodramatic relief. In this case it’s De Jong and his (in my opinion) regular EPL tackle that happened to injure a foreigner, being heralded as the icing on a ‘Nigel-is-the-Anti-Christ’ cake. He is a ‘dirty’ player. He does go into stupid tackles on countless occasions. He doesn’t understand discretion. He doesn’t know what 50-50 means. He also does seem to really enjoy doing it; worryingly sadistically. But so does our young darling Wilshere, as does captain fantastic Stevie G, as does Paul Scholes, as do many players on every matchday of the EPL, ask Danny Murphy. In trying to keep some perspective though, I wouldn’t trust him at a paraplegic charity event, and anyone would count themselves lucky to have him on their team. But to be fair to Nigel, I wouldn’t truly trust any EPL player or even teammate for that matter; tackling or otherwise.

W. Bridge


Another quick side note: I hate the World Cup. Rooney’s best season, Milito’s best season, Lucio, Samuel, Maicon, etc.. while Fabregas doing as much as Cheryl on Curb Your Enthusiasm, strolls in looking pretty and all this, on the shortlist. I won’t waste my time venting about the lunacy and total lack of merit any of these FIFA personal accolades genuinely hold; after all according to FIFA, Pele is the greatest of all time.



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